Very early on in our marriage, I kept a personal blog that I used as a journal. I thought it would be a good way to document things as life went on. It ended up being my way to process through our infertility journey.
All of our miscarriages were difficult in different ways. During each one, I struggled with something different than the last. I was scared more than anything during this first miscarriage. I had all these symptoms but didn't know what was going on. We were walking through an unfamiliar fire. I remember calling my mom (because when you're scared, that's who you call) and asking her if she had the same symptoms when she was pregnant with me or my sisters. "Jack, something isn't right. You need to call the doctor. Now." I was so scared, I called the doctor before I told Alex what as going on. During this first miscarriage, we had hope and faith that God was going to pull us through. We were still very scared because we just didn't know what to expect.
The following are the blog posts from this first miscarriage.
I can understand why many couples wait to announce their pregnancy until after the first trimester. In fact, I was so set on doing the same thing, except I'm really bad at keeping secrets. Reallllly bad.
Alex and I had talked about whether or not we were going to share our news. Alex is much more on board with waiting. He understands the idea of rejoicing when things are good, and still rejoicing when things aren't great. But, he is more concerned about spreading out our 'safety net'. Even though we understand that we should 'rejoice in all things' as the Bible tells us to, others are not good at it. So while we can share our news and people will be happy about it, if something goes wrong, people usually become awkward and uncomfortable, and often withdraw because they are not sure what to say either.
While I completely understand this and to some point agree, that isn't how I process things. I need to talk. Generally, I can talk to just about anyone about what is going on, and it helps me figure out what I'm going through.
So, this morning they called and brought me in for an early appointment. The doctor did an ultrasound which was so cool because I got to see our little Baby (Baby Stack is supposed to be the size of a bean). She measured Baby, and based on the measurements, Baby is about 6 weeks and 4 days, not the 7 weeks and 2 days (or bean status) we thought.
And that is a hard thing to pray for.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012The Untitled Post
I stayed home from work again today. I had every intent to go back and do damage control from the substitute from yesterday. However, my body had different plans for me. Again.
I woke up feeling absolutely nauseous and sick. My heart rate was all over the place. The symptoms I had from this weekend were worse. Because I didn't put in for a substitute for today, I had to go in, at least to figure out what students were doing for the day as well as tell our school secretary that I needed a sub.
I knew I couldn't drive due to the nausea, so Alex drove me to work. I got everything together for my kiddos, put in for a sub, and left.
When we got home, I called the doctor's office to get some advice. Should I go back to the doctor? Stay home tomorrow? Go to the ER? And more importantly, what was going on with me- everything was getting worse.
The nurse I spoke with on the phone asked me several questions. After hearing my answers, she asked that I come in right away.
Having something confirmed made me feel slightly better, just to know what was going on with the baby.
But because I feel better knowing doesn't mean I'm not emotional about it-
it is still the death of someone I loved and longed to cherish.