Very early on in our marriage, I kept a personal blog that I used as a journal. I thought it would be a good way to document things as life went on. It ended up being my way to process through our infertility journey.

All of our miscarriages were difficult in different ways. During each one, I struggled with something different than the last. I was scared more than anything during this first miscarriage. I had all these symptoms but didn't know what was going on. We were walking through an unfamiliar fire. I remember calling my mom (because when you're scared, that's who you call) and asking her if she had the same symptoms when she was pregnant with me or my sisters. "Jack, something isn't right. You need to call the doctor. Now." I was so scared, I called the doctor before I told Alex what as going on. During this first miscarriage, we had hope and faith that God was going to pull us through. We were still very scared because we just didn't know what to expect.

The following are the blog posts from this first miscarriage.

Monday, August 27, 2012 The Bean

I can understand why many couples wait to announce their pregnancy until after the first trimester. In fact, I was so set on doing the same thing, except I'm really bad at keeping secrets. Reallllly bad.

I suppose that's why I had to write about it instead...

Alex and I had talked about whether or not we were going to share our news. Alex is much more on board with waiting. He understands the idea of rejoicing when things are good, and still rejoicing when things aren't great. But, he is more concerned about spreading out our 'safety net'. Even though we understand that we should 'rejoice in all things' as the Bible tells us to, others are not good at it. So while we can share our news and people will be happy about it, if something goes wrong, people usually become awkward and uncomfortable, and often withdraw because they are not sure what to say either.

While I completely understand this and to some point agree, that isn't how I process things. I need to talk. Generally, I can talk to just about anyone about what is going on, and it helps me figure out what I'm going through.

After today, I think I can understand even more why expecting parents wait to tell others their news.
Saturday, some concerns were brought to my attention. They continued through Sunday so I called the on-call nurse practitioner just to have it documented and to see if it was normal, or if she could tell me what was going on. She told me to take the day off tomorrow (Monday) for bedrest and that a doctor would call me in the morning to see if my symptoms persisted.

So, this morning they called and brought me in for an early appointment. The doctor did an ultrasound which was so cool because I got to see our little Baby (Baby Stack is supposed to be the size of a bean). She measured Baby, and based on the measurements, Baby is about 6 weeks and 4 days, not the 7 weeks and 2 days (or bean status) we thought.

So Baby is a little smaller than we thought. Ok.
The doctor had a hard time finding the heartbeat. She couldn't see it on the screen, but we did hear it. Baby's heart is beating 129 bpm. At that age, the heart should be beating 160-170 bpm. The doctor was fairly concerned about that.
So, she ordered blood work today and Wednesday to see if pregnancy hormones are increasing. She also ordered another ultrasound for next week as well.
According to the doctor, Baby has a 50/50 chance.
So, in the meantime, we keep praying God's will be done, not mine or Alex's.

And that is a hard thing to pray for.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Untitled Post

I stayed home from work again today. I had every intent to go back and do damage control from the substitute from yesterday. However, my body had different plans for me. Again.

I woke up feeling absolutely nauseous and sick. My heart rate was all over the place. The symptoms I had from this weekend were worse. Because I didn't put in for a substitute for today, I had to go in, at least to figure out what students were doing for the day as well as tell our school secretary that I needed a sub.

I knew I couldn't drive due to the nausea, so Alex drove me to work. I got everything together for my kiddos, put in for a sub, and left.

When we got home, I called the doctor's office to get some advice. Should I go back to the doctor? Stay home tomorrow? Go to the ER? And more importantly, what was going on with me- everything was getting worse.

The nurse I spoke with on the phone asked me several questions. After hearing my answers, she asked that I come in right away.

After one look while examining me, the doctor confirmed my thoughts:
miscarriage
Honestly, it was much scarier and emotional not knowing exactly what was going on.
Having something confirmed made me feel slightly better, just to know what was going on with the baby.

But because I feel better knowing doesn't mean I'm not emotional about it-
it is still the death of someone I loved and longed to cherish.

So far, both Alex and I have been coping alright. Alex has been wonderful through this whole process, making sure my needs are met before his. God gave me a wonderful husband who has a servant's heart.
Me? I've been doing ok as long as no one hugs me. I can explain what happened and accept the "I'm sorry" statement that follows. Anything more than that simple statement, including touch, makes me a weepy mess.
Regardless of what happened, I have to go back to work tomorrow.
Right now, however, is a time to mourn and process, and somehow remember that God has a plan for Alex and I through all this.

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